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2013 New Years Resolutions

Another new year is upon us.  I believe time is an abstract and too much importance is senselessly put on years and ages (and time zones), but I nonetheless feel the need to put forth some resolutions as the calendar slips into another year.  And while I expect to hit around.300 on these, they remain, in theory, a good guideline for me for 2013.

My biggest goal is delivering a flawless speech at Novak’s wedding.  I’ve known the guy for 35 years, so I’m not worried about cobbling together a decent summary of our friendship.  I also will not give a typical douchebag speech about some random crazy event that occurred at some point.  No, when I speak of being flawless, I’m solely referring to not using the f-word on the microphone.  Not sure how to practice against it, other than staring at a picture of his grandmother while I rehearse.

Speaking of this wedding, my second goal is to find a date for the wedding.  Now I know what you’re thinking–you think I mean choosing amongst several ladies who are just pining for the opportunity to go to a formal event with a catch like me.  But alas!  Fifteen years of general indifference and coyness have left me in a spot where having a mere seven months to find a date is a legit quandary.  Still…if I apply myself, I should be able to lock in by July.

Given the above, I’m considering rethinking my views on online dating.  Look, most things I’ve heard about match and the like have been terrible.  But my best laid plans over the last twenty years have really proven to be, well, a colossal strategic disaster.  So while I’ve heard that at least 85% of people on these sites are completely undateable, I do know at least a few what I would consider high end females who are on match, so I guess it becomes a challenge of whether I can discern the 1% from the rest of the quagmire.  I’m like Mitt Romney!

Now if I’m going to go on match, I need to find someone to write my profile.  I know my strong points, and talking about myself in a positive manner is not one of them.  My self-written profile would be so self-deprecating that women would think I had a mental problem (um…).  So what I’d need would be someone who could tell the truth about me without making it sound like I spend all of time reading baseball books, listening to Nirvana records, and watching old 80s sitcoms on Netflix.  Which I don’t do.  Not even close.

I would also need to find a good picture or pictures of me to put on one of these sites.  The big problem is that every picture taken of me in the last ten years looks like my head is too large, or it looks like I just ate an entire key lime pie.  In fact, this is the best picture taken of me in the past ten years, and it’s clearly of no use for dating purposes:


So before I jump into the world of online dating, I have about ninety things I need to do to get myself together.  In the meantime, I still have another series of resolutions to work on…

I need to rededicate myself to losing some more weight.  I realize that my initial weight loss has been generally well-received, and I thank everyone who’s commented on it.  And as much as I beat myself up, I do see a difference–I don’t have any kind of body dysmorphic disorder.  For example, I now see clear definition between my abs and my love handles, whereas two months ago, it was all one giant blob of crap.  But, I’ve started slacking and I tubbed up a bit over the holidays, so I just need to start cracking down again.  This is probably the easiest of all resolutions to tackle.  About 13 lbs and I’ll stop being a girl about it.

I’ve set a goal of taking a picture every day.  I got this new ELPH camera for Christmas that I love.  And it’s small enough to keep in my pocket.  I’m thinking about carrying it with me at all times, and snapping at least a picture a day.  Some days, it might just be a street sign or something mundane, some days it might be quite poignant.  But at the end of the year, I’d like to have 365 pictures that I can compile so you can all be bored with the minutiae of a year of my life into perpetuity.

I also need to update this blog regularly.  There’s a couple people on Twitter who have somewhat inspired me to write and be very open and honest via blog posts.  Whether it’s the angst over a job search or the joy of birthing puppies, I’ve read some good blog writing this year.  Blogging seems like a suitable outlet for my random thoughts, and until I organize said thoughts into a book, this site will have to suffice.  (Note:  the blogger referenced above didn’t actually birth the puppies.  Dogs can’t type.)

I want to attempt to do another standup set since this one was such a success.  I have a lot of jokes about boobs, wieners, and cilantro that are just screaming to be told.

Finally, no more bullshit.  This has been my resolution since 1982.  One of these years it will work out.

Categories: Daily Life
  1. Melissa
    January 7, 2013 at 8:53 AM

    I want to encourage the standup set and please let me know when and where so i can attend!

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